The end. 

This is the end of my IF journey. 

Actually no. It’s never really over. Every day is just one more day of being infertile. It’s just one more day I won’t be a mom. One more day I have to answer the question ‘do you have kids?’ Or ‘when will you have kids?’ Or the best: ‘wait till you have kids’.

It is what it is. And I will be fine. 

I have known for a long time this is my destiny. I did try to change it. But I guess some things are just written. 

Adoption is not on the table. Neither is surrogacy. For various reasons but mostly because neither feels right. 

Now I plan on living my life to its fullest. doing things that make me happy. So long as I am healthy. I will make the most of it. 

Until I can’t anymore. Then I will not be a burden on anyone. I need to make sure of that. That’s the hard part. Without children it is much harder to figure out who will take care of me when I’m older. I am ofcourse assuming I will outlive my husband. And even if I don’t, we both will need to think about how the other will be cared for. I can’t be a burden on my siblings or nieces and nephews. That would not be fair. So planning for the future is a bit different for us. But at least we have time. 

I have always said I plan on dying before I become old and a burden. I’ve seen my grandmother become completely dependent on her daughter, my mother, for everything. From food to bathing. While it was obviously not a choice she made, I don’t even have the luxury of an option.  So I am very concerned about my long term future. It is always at the back of my mind. So my plan is to build up a nest egg for my future care givers. But if all else fails I will ensure I die before I get to that burdensome stage. No I am not dying now or tomorrow or next week (although with the way the world is, you just don’t know) but maybe when I’m 60 or 70? It just depend on how life goes. I guess what I am saying is if my life was over tomorrow I would have little regret. And that’s how I want to live everyday. 

DH doesn’t like to hear me speak like that. Perhaps it is a bit morbid. But it is just me being practical. 

For now though, I must live in the moment. I have a good life. A lovely home. A great job. A loving husband. Enough money to live comfortably and see the world. I have a family that I love and they love me. An amazing nephew and a brand new niece to spoil rotten. And hopefully many more to come. It will be sad not to see them grow old and have families of their own. But I don’t plan on being around that long. I guess only time will tell. But given my history and all the medications I have put in my body. I seriously doubt I am going to live a long and healthy life anyway. The odds are just not in my favour. And that’s ok too. It is my destiny and I totally accept that. 

For now, I plan to live every day like it is my last. Soak in every precious moment. Because the only thing I won’t be able to get back is time with my loved ones. That’s all that matters now. 

I won’t be writing in this space anymore. I just don’t feel like it. It reminds to be sad when I am here. And I just don’t want to feel that anymore. So I am moving on. 

No point in dwelling on something that can’t be changed. I tried. I failed. I am moving on. 

It has been cathartic. It has been amazing to see the support strangers can bring. And it has been a painful yet necessary journey. I am happy I tried. I do not regret that I tried. 

To those still in the thick of it I hope that my failure means future success for you. Because the statistics are definitely in your favour. We can’t all fail. But I can’t be there to watch you succeed either. I need to focus on me. It’s selfish. I know. But it’s all I’ve got. 

Thank you. But I am done. 

Spotting

Some light spotting today. 

Even though the clinic harps on how light spotting is normal. And give you lots of info to take home about why spotting is fine. It’s hard not to freak out about that a little. 

It is definitely different. I had zero spotting on my last negative cycle. 

I’ve also noticed my boobs getting more sore as of 2 nights ago. Actually woke up to the pain (stomach sleeping was uncomfortable). And more cramping than usual in my lower belly for the past two days. I’ve also been more exhausted. But all those things can be the prometrium. Also exhaustion cause working late everyday will do that. 

So Ive been trying not to dwell on the symptoms too much. Im hopefully it’s all positive sign. I’m definitely starting to feel like I want to buy a pee stick. Just to see…. but I haven’t caved yet. Trying to wait. 

But as they say. The proof is in the beta. 

Still. I’m freaking out a little right now. 

Beta in 2 days. 

Eeeeep!

Why I want the TWW to be longer 

Hear me out. 

All my life I’ve been told repeatedly by multiple medical professionals (my parents included) that I will never have children. 

The TWW may be the only time when I can legit say I might be a little bit pregnant. 

It feels like the past 5 days since transfer have flown by. Thanks partly to a hectic work schedule and a fun packed weekend of camping to distract me (it was cold but still wonderfully relaxing). 

I know. The tww sucks. The whole not knowing thing. Really sucks. The constant yes no yes no my mind goes through every waking second is beyond suck. 

But still, in a short 3 days this could all be over and I will indeed never be pregnant. Ever. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I was maybe pregnant for a little while longer.

PUPO

And it is done. 

The transfer went well. I liked that the RE took her time to position the cather in just the right spot. It was murder on my full bladder. But I am grateful she took the time. 

They made sure to remind me how beautiful this embryo is. A 4AB. They told me twice. Ofcourse that just made me sad because if this doesn’t work then my stupid body is to blame. 

Anyway. Not focusing on that for now. 

Enjoying the next couple of days of calm. 

My acupuncturist came to the clinic and made sure I got my sessions in before and after. I loved that. Last time I had to go to her clinic because of scheduling issues. But this was way more relaxing. 

Hopefully that made all the difference. 

I asked the nurse about working out after transfer. She said that if the embryo is going to stick it will happen in the first 2 days. After that it doesn’t matter much what I do so long as it is within the range of normal for me. Which makes me feel better about taking these two days off work. And I think in some weird way I will worry less after these crucial 2 days. Because then it either is or it isn’t. 

Beta test day is sept 15. 

Till then I’m going to over analyze every little twinge. Right now I feel a heaviness in my left lower belly. Almost like a cramp. But not really. 

Probably all in my head. But one can hope. 

Decided not to pee test till beta day. Let’s see if I cave before then. 

Till the 15th. 

T-day

Day 18 lining was 0.68 (!)

I was pleasantly surprised by that. This is the best I’ve ever had. It’s not the 0.7 my brain was telling my uterus to achieve. But it’s pretty close. I’ll take it! 

Transfer day is set for Sept 6. 

I booked off work for both transfer day and the day after. My workload is insane right now. But it is what it is. I’ll figure it out. Resting is more important. 

Plan to be pretty sedentary those two days. And DH and I will probably book that camping trip for the weekend following transfer. I figure it will be a relaxing way to spend the weekend and will help keep me distracted. At least for a couple of days. 

I haven’t bought any pee sticks this time. Thinking I might not bother at all. DH says to wait for beta. I think I might do that. Or at least I won’t buy any ahead of time. If I’m desperate to pee on a stick then I will have to make the effort to go buy one at that time. Let’s see if I can hold out till beta day. 

Keeping the positive thinking going as long as I can: This cycle will work. My lining got thicker. The embryo is excellent. And my body is ready for this. I can do this!

So nervous for sept 6. 

FET protocol

Here is my protocol for this cycle and probably my last. (I still don’t like that)

The meds:

  • Estrace 2mg twice a day vaginally 
  • Sildenafil 25mg four times a day vaginally
  • Tamoxifen 20mg daily orally – day 3 to 7 only 
  • Estradot patches 200mcg change patches every 3 days 
  • Prenatal vitamins
  • Folic acid
  • Vitamin D & omega 3 daily
  • Vitamin E 800 IU daily

The other stuff:

  • Accupuncture twice a week
  • Drinking red raspberry leaf tea as much as I can. 
  • Cut back on caffeine 
  • Eat well
  • Exercise well 
  • Avoid stress (the hardest right now with work being crazy. But hey maybe if I write it down here it will come true right?)

Generally the same as the last cycle with the exception of doubling my estrace patches and adding tamoxifen. 

The goal lining is 0.65 this time (up from last times 0.6). My personal goal is to get to 0.7. 

Here’s hoping. Lining check on Aug 27. 

Back in the race…

It is CD 3. 

We are back at it. 

I had my pre- FET prep appointment with the new DR. Go a couple of weeks ago. She was dissapointed that the last cycle didn’t work but it is a 60% chance of success on a good day. So it could just be dumb luck. It could also be my body is just not built for this. So there’s that. 

She said we can start again anytime we wanted. No reason to wait. She also said she would add tamoxifen to the next cycle as it has been shown to help boost lining for some. It can’t hurt at this point. So we are giving it a go. 

The other option she offered was to do an ERA test for this cycle instead is the actual transfer. So that would mean a full mock cycle with all the drugs and side effects etc. And then we would wait another 6 weeks for the results which would show us if my lining is receptive after 5 days of prometrium (which most of the women are).  It would not guarantee an implantation. Nor will it be able to tell me much about how habitable the environment is in my uterus for a growing foetus. Which are my key issues. DH and I discussed this option and we don’t feel it is worth all the effort and expense. 

The dr did say that ERA tests are not normally indicated for my type of patient. But it’s the only thing left. So she would allow me to try if I wanted. I did appreciate that. It is also an out of pocket cost of about $1,000.

 I just don’t feel that the ERA test will be the difference between a successful cycle and an unsuccessful one for me. If I have a strong enough embryo it should implant. My issue is thickness of lining. Not the receptivity. I know that could also be a factor. But those chances are so low at this point. It isn’t logical but it’s just my gut feeling that this test is not what I need right now. 

So we decided if this is our last hurrah. We will trust that the tamoxifen is all we need. And just go for it. If it works great. If not. We are moving on. 

I tried to see if DH would want to try one more time with another donor. But he’s not convinced. I’m also starting to be open to starting the adoption route this year. But only if he agrees to be responsible for all the red tape. I know it sounds selfish. But I’m honestly too busy with work to add on the huge responsibility of home studies and getting the perfect reference letters etc. DH has the next few months off. So he has the time and is more interested in pursuing this. So let’s see. 

For now we are getting into the groove of this cycle. I’m less stressed about the outcome this time for some reason. At least right now. I feel strangely calm. And also more hopeful. Lying at acupuncture yesterday I felt a wave of ‘This is going to work. The lining will be over 0.7 and this one will stick.’

There’s also times when I realize that we will be getting the results of this cycle by the time my sister is ready to deliver baby #2. So that has the potential of being an emotional nightmare. But it is what it is. Can’t dwell on something out of my control at this point. 

The timing is right for us. DH is done with med school. Wrote his last exam yesterday. His results won’t be available for another 6 weeks. Then we will know if he passed,and can make this a career or if he needs to reevaluate his life plan. NBD

And for those keeping track, in about 6 weeks we may also be pregnant.

How’s that for life changing?

WTF

We had our WTF with Dr. Go.

What do you want first? The good news or the bad news? Feel free to choose:

Good News:

Our little frozen embaby is a 4AB!

That is stellar considering it started out as a 1BB. It really picked up steam on the last day and surprised even Dr. Go. That is great news for us as that is a pretty perfect embryo. So our chances are immensely improved on that front.

Also, we can pretty much start our next round whenever we like, except for the bad news…

Bad News:

There really isn’t anything that we can do to improve our chances for the next round. I asked about other tests, but the bottom line is that nothing is proven, and has little chance of actually boosting our chances.

  • Matris/ERA test to check receptivity of lining – this will tell us if I am one of the 10% of the population that has the issue of a different receptivity window than the usual 5 days. However, even when they have done this and implanted based on the ERA results, none of those patients have had a successful pregnancy yet.
  • Natural Killer Cells – this test is widely misunderstood. Apparently it will only test what is in your blood, which is different that the environment in the uterus. So it does not really tell us anything of value with respect to implantation.
  • Thyroid issues – My thyroid has been optimal for the past 2 years. Not likely to be an issue either.

My biggest issues is the thin lining and the fact that we just don’t know how my uterus will respond due to the radiation treatment. With respect to this past failed cycle, my lining was ok at 0.7. But optimal is 0.8 and above, so anytime they see lining below 0.8 already the chances of success are diminished. So that is likely what happened this last cycle. A decent embryo in a not so great uterus.

He did mention that he was discussing with a colleague about a new study had just come out of China that had some success with using Tamoxifen to boost lining. They are looking into it further at the clinic and they might consider adding that to my protocol to see if we can’t get my lining even thicker for the next round. He recommended letting my body go through a few ‘normal’ cycles before trying again.

He also mentioned considering a gestational carrier. I shut that down immediately. It is not a road I wish to go down, and do not feel comfortable doing at all. I honestly feel that the pain I will feel to watch another woman go through something that I should have gone through is going to be too much for me. If it is not meant to be for me then so be it. We are done. And DH feels the same way. We may open the door to adoption at that point. But for now this is it for us. Do or die.

To top it all off, our RE, Dr.Go is leaving this clinic to move to Calgary. Unfortunately I cannot follow him there. He is leaving me in the hands of another Dr. at the clinic (for ease of reference I will continue to call her Dr. Go). He has already discussed my case with her (she was the colleague he discussed Tamoxifen with) and she is familiar with our issues. I am scheduled to meet with her Aug 4 to plan our next cycle.

So the plan is to start up again in August after I have met with the new Dr. Go. I expect to have a CD1 around August 15, so potentially our FET cycle could start in mid August, so a potential transfer in early Sept.

I do have a positive feeling about the next one. If we can boost the lining to even come close to 0.8 then we may have a really solid chance of success with that excellent blast to transfer (see the good news above…).