This is the end of my IF journey.
Actually no. It’s never really over. Every day is just one more day of being infertile. It’s just one more day I won’t be a mom. One more day I have to answer the question ‘do you have kids?’ Or ‘when will you have kids?’ Or the best: ‘wait till you have kids’.
It is what it is. And I will be fine.
I have known for a long time this is my destiny. I did try to change it. But I guess some things are just written.
Adoption is not on the table. Neither is surrogacy. For various reasons but mostly because neither feels right.
Now I plan on living my life to its fullest. doing things that make me happy. So long as I am healthy. I will make the most of it.
Until I can’t anymore. Then I will not be a burden on anyone. I need to make sure of that. That’s the hard part. Without children it is much harder to figure out who will take care of me when I’m older. I am ofcourse assuming I will outlive my husband. And even if I don’t, we both will need to think about how the other will be cared for. I can’t be a burden on my siblings or nieces and nephews. That would not be fair. So planning for the future is a bit different for us. But at least we have time.
I have always said I plan on dying before I become old and a burden. I’ve seen my grandmother become completely dependent on her daughter, my mother, for everything. From food to bathing. While it was obviously not a choice she made, I don’t even have the luxury of an option. So I am very concerned about my long term future. It is always at the back of my mind. So my plan is to build up a nest egg for my future care givers. But if all else fails I will ensure I die before I get to that burdensome stage. No I am not dying now or tomorrow or next week (although with the way the world is, you just don’t know) but maybe when I’m 60 or 70? It just depend on how life goes. I guess what I am saying is if my life was over tomorrow I would have little regret. And that’s how I want to live everyday.
DH doesn’t like to hear me speak like that. Perhaps it is a bit morbid. But it is just me being practical.
For now though, I must live in the moment. I have a good life. A lovely home. A great job. A loving husband. Enough money to live comfortably and see the world. I have a family that I love and they love me. An amazing nephew and a brand new niece to spoil rotten. And hopefully many more to come. It will be sad not to see them grow old and have families of their own. But I don’t plan on being around that long. I guess only time will tell. But given my history and all the medications I have put in my body. I seriously doubt I am going to live a long and healthy life anyway. The odds are just not in my favour. And that’s ok too. It is my destiny and I totally accept that.
For now, I plan to live every day like it is my last. Soak in every precious moment. Because the only thing I won’t be able to get back is time with my loved ones. That’s all that matters now.
I won’t be writing in this space anymore. I just don’t feel like it. It reminds to be sad when I am here. And I just don’t want to feel that anymore. So I am moving on.
No point in dwelling on something that can’t be changed. I tried. I failed. I am moving on.
It has been cathartic. It has been amazing to see the support strangers can bring. And it has been a painful yet necessary journey. I am happy I tried. I do not regret that I tried.
To those still in the thick of it I hope that my failure means future success for you. Because the statistics are definitely in your favour. We can’t all fail. But I can’t be there to watch you succeed either. I need to focus on me. It’s selfish. I know. But it’s all I’ve got.
Thank you. But I am done.