T-days

Got the call. 

Thaw day: June 1 (tomorrow!)

Transfer day: June 6 (eeep!)

Start progesterone. 200mg twice a day starting tomorrow (thaw day). 

DH has do his thang tomorrow bright and early 7:45am. 

Then we wait. 

They will call me daily with the report on embryo development. And the day before transfer they will call me with the exact time to be at the clinic. 

I’m also keeping the acupuncturist on standby so she can see me before and after. She’s about 15 minutes away by subway from my clinic so I am fine with just going to her before and after. She has clinic hours on Tuesdays so she can’t come to me.  The alternative is to see someone else at my clinic while I wait for the transfer. But I’d rather work with someone I know for this. So I shall travel to her. 

I had to reschedule meetings at work for June 6. It just happens to be the one day of the week when I have a crazy amount of meetings. Oh well. 

Right now I’m really nervous for the embryos. And starting to feel panicked about this not working. Man I want this to work so bad. Is that too much to ask? What if it doesn’t work at all and all our embryos fail. Am I killing off something that could, in another circumstance, have thrived? Am I fighting a loosing battle? I have to get out of this negative head space. Just think positive. 

I am excited though. I just hope we get some good numbers in the next few days. 

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Day 18 Lining

0.6 :s

Actually she said it is anywhere between 0.6 to 0.75. So I guess it depends on the person taking the reading. The reading on Saturday was taken by one of more senior Dr.’s in the clinic. Today’s reading was taken by a junior, probably a new Dr. as I have not seen her before.

Today’s reading took a good 5-10 minutes. She poked around took lots of pictures to make sure they had a good image of everything going on. She said the uterus looked retroverted not anteverted today. She did see the fibroid, no cysts. Lining of 0.6. Other than that no issues.

Saturday she was in and out in less than 5 and saw all she needed to see pretty fast. Anteverted uterus, fibroid 2.9×2.9, lining of 7.2 to 7.5.

Todays Dr. said it could just be an error in readings. But this would not be the first time I have had what appears to be ‘receding’ lining. This is where I wonder how accurate their readings really are. Who’s reading do I believe more? Does it really matter? They are the experts so I should just leave it to them to be the judge right?

Regardless. We have hit my target lining for a thaw. So they are proceeding with the thaw. They will call later this afternoon with the exact dates, but I have my Rx for prometrium (200mg three times a day, per vagina- like there is any other way to take drugs).

I am continuing the estrace/estradot/sildenafil till further notice.

 

 

Imaginary hope v. real hope

Alongside keeping this blog updated I like to peruse the IF forums (I like IVF.ca for the mostly Canadian members) to keep myself updated and to see what others that are in the same boat are doing/experiencing. Something about feeling like you are not alone…

One of the forums I recently started to follow is the June 2017 IVF/FET cycle group.  Some of the members have been posting what they like to do to pass the time while they are waiting at the various stages along this process. Some say they are looking up baby names, some are researching car seats and strollers etc., this is all before some have even started their cycle, or well before any transfer has occurred.

To me all of that is way out of my comfort zone.

No going to lie, I have on a few occasions spotted a stroller on the street and found myself googling reviews later. But about a few minutes into it I will remember how much of a long journey I have before I even will need to consider this in any serious way and stop and distract myself with something more appropriate like how ridiculous the Bachelorette was this Monday (for the record I am not a Rachel fan- she’s too normal for tv – but Im still going to watch because it is all about watching the crazies come out to play).

I think it is so impressive when people can suspend their IF woes to take some time to just be wishful about the future. Or even use that hope to help get them through all the worry. I still feel that if I let myself fantasize about the future with a pregnancy or (whispers) baby it is just too risky. I mean what if I jinx it by buying that onsie that says “started from the petri now I’m here”? If I don’t build myself up to hope too much, then the crash if it all doesn’t work won’t be so bad right?

Kudos to those women that can have so much hope and optimism throughout this process to actually manifest it into something physical. I am just not one of them. Right now if I let myself hope, it still feels almost wrong. It’s a daily struggle. Especially when I see the perfect baby booties and I just want to order them, because this will work goddammit! Ugh! that is way too much hope than I can handle right now. It is getting better though. As we get closer to transfer day I am starting to give myself permission to be more hopeful.

For now my hope looks more like bouts of daydreaming of what life will be like if I am pregnant or with an infant dependent on me for life… and then I tell myself to snap out of it and face reality that all of that is not real…yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#MicroblogMonday: Bi-polar hope

Until my day 14 lining check appointment this past saturday, I was more apprehensiveness about the whole thing. It didn’t feel like this was really happening until I heard them say ‘lets plan for a thaw next weekend’.

Now my brain is processing that this is actually for real.

It is a weird feeling to be hopeful yet still fearful of the outcome. My brain goes through such random swings:

  • Ok so this is happening. Lining is 0.72. That’s crazy good for me. And chances of success are so much better than lining of 0.6.
  • Still not a lining of 0.8 or higher. So chances are not that great. Better, but not great.
  • If this all works, it is a major shift in life as we know it. Are we really ready for this? Am I ready for this? This place is so not baby proof.
  • Is anyone 100% ready? We are prepared. Plus we will have so much help from all the family and friends around us. And there is still time.
  • But will my body be able to handle the next 9 months? I don’t even know what to expect. I need to start googling these things.
  • I know I need to be careful about exerting myself and my diet. I am going to miss working out and lifting weights. And sushi. Must eat my fill of sushi this week.
  • I will still workout, just need to modify slightly. I will speak to my trainer about it.
  • But no need to tell her yet, I mean we don’t even know if the embryo is going to stick yet.
  • Do pregnant women colour their hair? Should I cancel my hair colour appointment scheduled for the end of June? Just to avoid the chemicals while I am in my first trimester?
  • No I will keep it. Chances are this first time won’t work since my body won’t know what to do. No point in being sad and having ugly roots…

And so on…

I end up going through random emotional swings in my head and then just feeling numb like I  just need to go through the motions right now, and I will have proper feelings about it once it is all over and I know the outcome.


Check out Stirrup Queens for more #MicroblogMonday

 

 

 

 

 

Day 14 lining check

0.72 !!!!

For the record this is the best I’ve ever had! I’m so happy that it made it this far!

They want to keep me on the drugs a few days longer to see if it will get any better. But either way they are planning for a thaw next weekend!

Back in on Wednesday for a second lining check. 

Side effects 

About 10 days into taking the meds. 

So far my nipples are staring to get sore. But only if I touch them or when I’m walking around and not wearing a bra for long periods of time. It is by no means uncomfortable (yet). 

The worst of it is the sildenafil headaches. They are starting to subside as my body gets used to the medication. But they really do hurt and just get in the way of everyday life. I can’t wait to stop taking them. 

My leaky vagina is also not fun. I’m going through panty liners like I own stock in the company. And I swear my vagina is starting to reject anything I shove in. Or at least protest a little. It’s probably just the labia starting to swell from the estrace (I experienced that during my previous mock cycles too). 

On the bright side only a few days till lining check day. Most likely I will not be there yet and will need to continue the meds for another week. But if we’re lucky then we can book a transfer date soon! Which is super exciting. Especially since it will mean no more slimy sildenafil!

Bronchoscopy update 

The dr called yesterday. We all know what that means. 

Apparently in 10% of cases after a bronchoscopy the patient will get a fever. And when that happens, something will grow in the sputum. 

Sure enough. I had a fever the evening of my bronchoscopy and have been feeling slightly under the weather since. Not enough to say I’m sick. But just that not quite 100% feeling. 

Dr. F said that the culture came out positive for haemophilus. Apparently it’s a fairly common bacteria and doesn’t cause issues until another infection comes along. Normally it affects the immune compromised such as young children. And me. It is the cause of ear infections, sinus infections, and pneumonia. All of which I have on the regular (except pneumonia, I normally start treatment before I get that sick). But it all makes sense. 

Treatment is pretty straight forward. One course of azithomycin antibiotics. The Dr called in the Rx to my pharmacy and I started the antibiotics yesterday. It’s a five day course so I should be done by the time lining check day comes along. 

Seems simple enough. But then she did end the call with: I’ll call you if anything else grows in your culture. 

Great. So there could be more?! I did tell her about the ivf and she assured me this round of antibiotics will be out of my system well before any possible embryo transfer. Hopefully there is nothing else lurking in my lungs.