The end. 

This is the end of my IF journey. 

Actually no. It’s never really over. Every day is just one more day of being infertile. It’s just one more day I won’t be a mom. One more day I have to answer the question ‘do you have kids?’ Or ‘when will you have kids?’ Or the best: ‘wait till you have kids’.

It is what it is. And I will be fine. 

I have known for a long time this is my destiny. I did try to change it. But I guess some things are just written. 

Adoption is not on the table. Neither is surrogacy. For various reasons but mostly because neither feels right. 

Now I plan on living my life to its fullest. doing things that make me happy. So long as I am healthy. I will make the most of it. 

Until I can’t anymore. Then I will not be a burden on anyone. I need to make sure of that. That’s the hard part. Without children it is much harder to figure out who will take care of me when I’m older. I am ofcourse assuming I will outlive my husband. And even if I don’t, we both will need to think about how the other will be cared for. I can’t be a burden on my siblings or nieces and nephews. That would not be fair. So planning for the future is a bit different for us. But at least we have time. 

I have always said I plan on dying before I become old and a burden. I’ve seen my grandmother become completely dependent on her daughter, my mother, for everything. From food to bathing. While it was obviously not a choice she made, I don’t even have the luxury of an option.  So I am very concerned about my long term future. It is always at the back of my mind. So my plan is to build up a nest egg for my future care givers. But if all else fails I will ensure I die before I get to that burdensome stage. No I am not dying now or tomorrow or next week (although with the way the world is, you just don’t know) but maybe when I’m 60 or 70? It just depend on how life goes. I guess what I am saying is if my life was over tomorrow I would have little regret. And that’s how I want to live everyday. 

DH doesn’t like to hear me speak like that. Perhaps it is a bit morbid. But it is just me being practical. 

For now though, I must live in the moment. I have a good life. A lovely home. A great job. A loving husband. Enough money to live comfortably and see the world. I have a family that I love and they love me. An amazing nephew and a brand new niece to spoil rotten. And hopefully many more to come. It will be sad not to see them grow old and have families of their own. But I don’t plan on being around that long. I guess only time will tell. But given my history and all the medications I have put in my body. I seriously doubt I am going to live a long and healthy life anyway. The odds are just not in my favour. And that’s ok too. It is my destiny and I totally accept that. 

For now, I plan to live every day like it is my last. Soak in every precious moment. Because the only thing I won’t be able to get back is time with my loved ones. That’s all that matters now. 

I won’t be writing in this space anymore. I just don’t feel like it. It reminds to be sad when I am here. And I just don’t want to feel that anymore. So I am moving on. 

No point in dwelling on something that can’t be changed. I tried. I failed. I am moving on. 

It has been cathartic. It has been amazing to see the support strangers can bring. And it has been a painful yet necessary journey. I am happy I tried. I do not regret that I tried. 

To those still in the thick of it I hope that my failure means future success for you. Because the statistics are definitely in your favour. We can’t all fail. But I can’t be there to watch you succeed either. I need to focus on me. It’s selfish. I know. But it’s all I’ve got. 

Thank you. But I am done. 

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Spotting

Some light spotting today. 

Even though the clinic harps on how light spotting is normal. And give you lots of info to take home about why spotting is fine. It’s hard not to freak out about that a little. 

It is definitely different. I had zero spotting on my last negative cycle. 

I’ve also noticed my boobs getting more sore as of 2 nights ago. Actually woke up to the pain (stomach sleeping was uncomfortable). And more cramping than usual in my lower belly for the past two days. I’ve also been more exhausted. But all those things can be the prometrium. Also exhaustion cause working late everyday will do that. 

So Ive been trying not to dwell on the symptoms too much. Im hopefully it’s all positive sign. I’m definitely starting to feel like I want to buy a pee stick. Just to see…. but I haven’t caved yet. Trying to wait. 

But as they say. The proof is in the beta. 

Still. I’m freaking out a little right now. 

Beta in 2 days. 

Eeeeep!

Why I want the TWW to be longer 

Hear me out. 

All my life I’ve been told repeatedly by multiple medical professionals (my parents included) that I will never have children. 

The TWW may be the only time when I can legit say I might be a little bit pregnant. 

It feels like the past 5 days since transfer have flown by. Thanks partly to a hectic work schedule and a fun packed weekend of camping to distract me (it was cold but still wonderfully relaxing). 

I know. The tww sucks. The whole not knowing thing. Really sucks. The constant yes no yes no my mind goes through every waking second is beyond suck. 

But still, in a short 3 days this could all be over and I will indeed never be pregnant. Ever. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I was maybe pregnant for a little while longer.

PUPO

And it is done. 

The transfer went well. I liked that the RE took her time to position the cather in just the right spot. It was murder on my full bladder. But I am grateful she took the time. 

They made sure to remind me how beautiful this embryo is. A 4AB. They told me twice. Ofcourse that just made me sad because if this doesn’t work then my stupid body is to blame. 

Anyway. Not focusing on that for now. 

Enjoying the next couple of days of calm. 

My acupuncturist came to the clinic and made sure I got my sessions in before and after. I loved that. Last time I had to go to her clinic because of scheduling issues. But this was way more relaxing. 

Hopefully that made all the difference. 

I asked the nurse about working out after transfer. She said that if the embryo is going to stick it will happen in the first 2 days. After that it doesn’t matter much what I do so long as it is within the range of normal for me. Which makes me feel better about taking these two days off work. And I think in some weird way I will worry less after these crucial 2 days. Because then it either is or it isn’t. 

Beta test day is sept 15. 

Till then I’m going to over analyze every little twinge. Right now I feel a heaviness in my left lower belly. Almost like a cramp. But not really. 

Probably all in my head. But one can hope. 

Decided not to pee test till beta day. Let’s see if I cave before then. 

Till the 15th. 

T-day

Day 18 lining was 0.68 (!)

I was pleasantly surprised by that. This is the best I’ve ever had. It’s not the 0.7 my brain was telling my uterus to achieve. But it’s pretty close. I’ll take it! 

Transfer day is set for Sept 6. 

I booked off work for both transfer day and the day after. My workload is insane right now. But it is what it is. I’ll figure it out. Resting is more important. 

Plan to be pretty sedentary those two days. And DH and I will probably book that camping trip for the weekend following transfer. I figure it will be a relaxing way to spend the weekend and will help keep me distracted. At least for a couple of days. 

I haven’t bought any pee sticks this time. Thinking I might not bother at all. DH says to wait for beta. I think I might do that. Or at least I won’t buy any ahead of time. If I’m desperate to pee on a stick then I will have to make the effort to go buy one at that time. Let’s see if I can hold out till beta day. 

Keeping the positive thinking going as long as I can: This cycle will work. My lining got thicker. The embryo is excellent. And my body is ready for this. I can do this!

So nervous for sept 6.