Last week I told my parents we are about to enter the IVF world. At the time I had not had the conversation with my sister so it was still up in the air whether she would donate her eggs or not.
First I should set things up.
My mother is your standard overbearing protective mom that basically wanted nothing more in life than to have a house full of children. She herself suffered from a few miscarriages through her life, and ended up with three children, which deep down I feel she still wishes she had more. Now of course she wants a house full of grand kids to make up for it. It doesn’t help that all her friends have several grand kids and many of them are school age now, so it probably makes her feel like she is left behind the pack.
So to my mom, the minute any of her children got married, it was a constant nagging about kids. Even with me. She knows my situation. Medically I cannot have children without some serious intervention. But she is constantly asking, what about adoption, so and so had a kid with IVF, so and so is adopting from X etc. I have told her that we are happy as we are and just not having kids and leave it at that. In her mind, being childless is not a choice that a person can be happy with. It is something to be sad about. So she is sad about it for me. I feel pity in her eyes every time she sees me interact with anyone’s baby. It is infuriating.
My dad is not a very empathetic person. He is all practical and logical all of the time. A bit of an extreme example: When one family came to him to ask for advise about their 2 year old son who had the same blood disorder that I was born with. My father told them that they needed to go forward with the bone marrow transplant treatment. When they expressed concerns about the risks and the chance that their son could die. He said ‘you are a young couple, you can always have more’. Of course he did acknowledge that in this case the procedure provided them a chance of drastically improving their son’s life, so it was worth the risk. But still. It was pretty insensitive thing to say to an already emotional couple. That’s my father. Abrupt and to the point, almost to the point of being insensitive. This has lead to many an argument between him and myself. And I tend to be hurt very easily by his words.
I know my parents well and it all went down as expected:
I start by telling them that the government is now providing funding for one IVF cycle and DH and I will be going forward with that in 2017. We will be using a donor egg for our cycle. I tell them I have asked my sister to donate her eggs, but if not then we would use an egg donor from an agency.
My dad’s response: “Why don’t you just use your mother’s eggs?” Ummmm… because she’s post menopausal and probably is all dried up?!
My actual response: “It is recommended to use a donor who is under 30″
My mom’s response: ” Oh great! you know so and so had a baby with IVF this year. What about starting the process for adoption too?” Thanks but so and so’s problems were probably different from mine, and just because it worked for them doesn’t mean it will work for us. Also I have told you a million times before I am not going down the adoption road. I am not ready for that.
My actual response: “Oh that’s nice. No we will not be adopting. I don’t want to do that.”
And we left it at that.
I am sure I have not heard the end of it though. My dad will likely start reading up on IVF and tell me how medically unsafe it is, and all the possible complications that could result. My mom will continue to hound me about adoption and relay anecdotal stories about how it has worked for someone or other, likely gleaned from her various friends that she most likely is telling about my IVF experiences as well. She has no filter and keeps a secret like a colander holds water.
Next up. Telling the in-laws. 😦
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