Ultrasound day has come and gone. The results? A whopping lining of 2.8mm. The ideal lining thicknesses we were looking for was anything over 7mm. Now this, to me the lay person, means one of two things… Either 1) I can produce lining and must take approximately triple the amount of estrogen to make it happen, or 2) I cannot produce any lining, and should give up on ever carrying a child in my body. The appointment with Dr. G is in a few weeks,so I guess we will find out soon enough. Also my sister will be coming along to the appointment with her hubby to learn more about the whole donor egg process.
All that being said, I am not entirely sure I am sold on going through all of this just for a child of my own. If I step back and look at myself, I am pretty happy with where I am in life right now. Money is a bit tight, but isn’t that normal when you are young and just starting out? Hubby is planning to go back to school, possibly as soon as September, and that would mean a bit of long distance for us. Which will be taxing enough, without IF treatments, and poverty thrown into the woodwork.
I am happy. I don’t have a burning desire for a child, or any weird sense that something is missing from my life that only a baby can fulfill. I can see myself growing old ‘alone’ and it doesn’t scare me. At least not right now.
My mother mentioned adoption the other day. I am not entirely sure that is for me either. For all the hoops they make you jump through, I just don’t feel I am that desperate. I mean, I feel that I would need to be fully invested in the process to want to go through it. And I just don’t see it. I can’t see myself going through years of form filling, taking classes, visits by social workers, just so I can take care of someone else’s child. Especially when others can get pregnant on a whim. No certification to see if you can raise your own child, but somebody else’s baby and watch out! And that child may or may not grow to return the favor to me. Honestly, there is no guarantee my own flesh and blood won’t desert me when they are adults either, so why go through it? The opportunity cost is just not worth it to me.
Maybe I am bitter and this is how I cope. By giving up. Of course all of this is my opinion. I don’t know what AG wants. I wonder, if he said he needed a child. Would I go through it all? Maybe. I know if I told him right now I was done, That this chapter is closed, he would probably say that was fine and go along with it. But I don’t know if he would just be saying that to make me happy. How will he feel when all of our friends and family have all these kid related milestones and we never celebrate any? What about fathers day? I’m not sure he realizes what this means, to be childless. Forever. Not to mention his parents will never have grandkids. I don’t even want to face that chapter. My mother is a whole other story. She is so desperate for grandkids. She cannot understand why I don’t want kids. It is a foreign concept to her.
So I think it is important to go through the process and investigations with AG. Just so I can say I tried. At least, for his sake, and his family’s sake. But my heart is just not in it. It is like I’ve closed that chapter in my book. I just didn’t think someone else would be affected by my decision, so I am re-opening it, just so I am not being selfish.