BFN’s suck. I know understatement of the year. I already knew it would suck.
But what sucks even more is that the damn daily reminders that hit me from time to time.
I have notoriously difficult veins so the phlebotomist left me with a fun bruise after my beta blood test that is a daily reminder that this cycle failed. Every time I look down I remember our little 1BB that didn’t make it. I miss you 1 BB.
My period came yesterday. It is a heavy one. At least heavy by my premature menopausal standards. I’ve never had to change a pad halfway through the day. Today I am kicking myself for not bringing extra to work. That’s a fun daily reminder of the BFN too. (At least I can take some comfort that this proves the lining really was nice and thick this time around…maybe next time it will be thicker, and maybe even stick?).
Then there is the WTF appointment scheduled for next week.
The daily reminders keep on coming.
Oh yes, and then there is the close family and friends asking how this cycle went. My mom is surprised it didn’t work. IVF is a crap shoot at the best of times, but of course if you are not in the thick of it, I can see how a person would think that it is a guaranteed baby after one round. I mean you have a doctor implanting a growing embryo into a receptive uterus. What could possible go wrong? right?
At the moment I am not sure whenwe are going to start cycle #2. Obviously I want to know what I can about what went wrong with this round so we can address any issues. But I also know that we may never know and the next round will be ask much a crap shoot as this one was. I think if all else is equal I would like to try again sooner to keep the good blood flow momentum going.
I am also debating whether we will try again after this last embryo is transferred. I hope that we will never have to think about it. But if we do, right now my gut is telling me I want at least 1 more chance. But I also know that this is a crazy expensive thing to spend our money on so perhaps it is not the best for us. And of course DH needs to have a say in this too.
Also focusing on DH’s recovery is pretty stressful right now. He came home this weekend after a full week in the hospital. His skin is starting to grow back but some days it is like two steps forward one step back. Today he is back to the doctor to discuss some open wounds that don’t look like they are healing very fast. He is still on a puree food diet (mouth sores still healing). And his own self esteem has taken quite a beating. It is pretty stressful being so debilitated in such a short time. I am doing my best to help him out and just support him as he recovers. But it is hard to keep his spirits up. Especially now that I am back at work and he has to fend for himself at home. His parents are here for the week helping out but they are more stressed and worried about him that I am not sure that they are much help in keeping him positive. But I do feel better knowing he has someone looking after him at home while I have to be at work. At least we know he will recover. Even if it feels like such a long road to recovery right now.
So not sure when IVF #2 will happen. Maybe August? I’d like to keep going. Not sure how much motivation or energy I will have if we keep waiting at this point. And I don’t want to wait for too long. Like a bandaid. I want this over with. No more daily reminders. Just the occasional painful ones.