When no news is good news?

First things first. Still don’t have my beta results. No news is good news right? 

I went to a lab close to the hospital DH is at to save time this morning. Of course with all that is happening I totally forgot the additional instructions to call the IVF clinic to let them know which blood lab I went to. Oops. 

I literally just got home from the hospital and re-read the instructions for beta day. I left the message at the clinic at 10pm tonight. So much for getting the results quickly. 

So I’m guessing I will get the call at some point tomorrow. 

Still haven’t had a chance to pee on a stick for a couple of days. So it really is anyone’s guess. Still no bleeding. Low back pain persists. But that’s probably the uncomfortable hospital chairs. Almost no cramping anymore. I don’t feel any different at all.

I’m just not feeling hopeful. With all that’s going on, what are the chances this is actually going to work for us? 

 I’m starting to mentally prepare myself for both rounds to not work. Start preparing for being childfree. Unfortunately, I still think it is unfair on DH. He shouldn’t be asked to give up having children just because of me. But I’m just not a person who can go through adoption.  I don’t know why. I just can’t do it. And I don’t know what I can do about it. 

His parents are in town now and asked us lots of questions about the whole process today. IVF is a very foreign concept to them. So the whole egg donor thing is a little too crazy for them to grasp. Not sure they entirely were comfortable with the concept. But it’s not like they have much choice in that matter. DH did most of the talking, but I also tried to mentally prepare them to not expect any grandkids from us. Ever. But I’m not sure they like that idea either. Overall I’m probably turning out to be a pretty dissapoining daughter-in-law.

But now that I think about it, it’s unfair of me to do this to them too. I mean they deserve grandkids don’t they? I guess they already have two (DH’s sisters kids) to dote on. It’s a pretty great deal for those two. Why can’t that just be enough?

So here I am. I can do a lot of things but having children isn’t one of them. And that’s ok for me. Except why does it make me so damn sad? Why am I crying? Why do I feel guilty? Why does it always feel like the whole world just doesn’t get it? 

I feel sick. I just want to curl up into a ball and not talk to anyone. But I have to push on. I need to focus on helping DH recover. I can’t give up just yet. Why is this so damn hard?

Please let no news be good news. Please. 

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