Alongside keeping this blog updated I like to peruse the IF forums (I like IVF.ca for the mostly Canadian members) to keep myself updated and to see what others that are in the same boat are doing/experiencing. Something about feeling like you are not alone…
One of the forums I recently started to follow is the June 2017 IVF/FET cycle group. Some of the members have been posting what they like to do to pass the time while they are waiting at the various stages along this process. Some say they are looking up baby names, some are researching car seats and strollers etc., this is all before some have even started their cycle, or well before any transfer has occurred.
To me all of that is way out of my comfort zone.
No going to lie, I have on a few occasions spotted a stroller on the street and found myself googling reviews later. But about a few minutes into it I will remember how much of a long journey I have before I even will need to consider this in any serious way and stop and distract myself with something more appropriate like how ridiculous the Bachelorette was this Monday (for the record I am not a Rachel fan- she’s too normal for tv – but Im still going to watch because it is all about watching the crazies come out to play).
I think it is so impressive when people can suspend their IF woes to take some time to just be wishful about the future. Or even use that hope to help get them through all the worry. I still feel that if I let myself fantasize about the future with a pregnancy or (whispers) baby it is just too risky. I mean what if I jinx it by buying that onsie that says “started from the petri now I’m here”? If I don’t build myself up to hope too much, then the crash if it all doesn’t work won’t be so bad right?
Kudos to those women that can have so much hope and optimism throughout this process to actually manifest it into something physical. I am just not one of them. Right now if I let myself hope, it still feels almost wrong. It’s a daily struggle. Especially when I see the perfect baby booties and I just want to order them, because this will work goddammit! Ugh! that is way too much hope than I can handle right now. It is getting better though. As we get closer to transfer day I am starting to give myself permission to be more hopeful.
For now my hope looks more like bouts of daydreaming of what life will be like if I am pregnant or with an infant dependent on me for life… and then I tell myself to snap out of it and face reality that all of that is not real…yet.