In other news…

My sister just found out she is pregnant with number two. Happy news for sure. But my own feelings are pretty complicated at this point.

Of course everything about her finding out out stinks of fertility. So brace yourselves. She is about 8 weeks and had no idea she was pregnant until now. She is due in September some time. Which is crazy to IF me. How can you not know?! But leaving that aside for now. I knew it was coming. They are in ‘growing family’ phase of life so it was likely that she would be pregnant before this year was up. But now she will not only be pregnant but will have two kids under the age of 2 before we get to the Fall!

I don’t know how to describe this feeling. Bitter sweet comes close, but I don’t like ‘bitter’ because I don’t feel upset by the pregnancy announcement. It will be amazing to have another niece of nephew to dote on (Im voting nephew this time because I think two boys so close in age will be so much fun). And the two will be so close in age, ‘irish twins’ basically. It will be a blast to watch them grow up together. My sister will definitely have her hands full for the next few years! And hopefully this means more baby sitting time for me, which I always enjoy. She will definitely need more help, and I am totally there for her.

At the same time I will hopefully be going through my first IVF cycle in April. So I will not only have to deal with my own complicated feelings and crazy hormones, but I will have to watch her belly grow and likely have her baby before I am even done all my IVF cycles (assuming we get more than one kick at this).

I’ve always fantasized about experiencing a pregnancy at the same time as my sister so we can share our experiences together, and so that the cousins can then grow up together as well. That is what we had growing up with our cousins and we are all still such great friends. It is the one thing I really am starting to feel like I am missing out on when all the cousins kids get together and they are all such great friends.

And then the whole ‘I didn’t even know I was pregnant’ line feels like such a slap in the face.  I wish I could do that. I wish I could just be pregnant and not know it. I wish I could text my sister a picture of my positive pee stick to tell her I am pregnant too. Ugh. That’s the ‘bitter’ part I guess. More of a punch in the gut. My journey is so different and I don’t get to do any of those ‘normal’ things. And those that can be ‘normal’ don’t even realize how great they have it.

It isn’t jealously but I guess it comes close. I don’t for a second wish anything but the best for her and her kids. But it is getting harder and harder to separate my own feelings with those that come from comparing yourself to others. If that makes any sense. I am sad for me. That I don’t get to be ‘normal’. But I am not sad or upset or even jealous of those that can. They are lucky and they should take full advantage of it. That is just not my story. And I need to be able to deal.

I guess my feelings are more like FOMO- Fear of Missing Out. That’s how I feel. I feel FOMO. But it isn’t a fear. It is real. I am missing out: MO. 

 

 

 

 

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