She said no.
Met with my sister and her husband last night to discuss the reality of egg donation. Both are not 100% ready to commit to this (as I suspected) and can’t agree to go through with this right now.
My sisters reasons are that she cannot get over the hurdle of her egg and AG’s sperm coming together. She says things changed after she had her son and now when she sees herself or her husband reflected in their child it means something to her. To be able to see herself in another person’s child would be too difficult for her. From her husband’s perspective their imam advised against it as well. They both support our decision to proceed with DE IVF and will support us along the way, but she does not feel comfortable being our egg donor. So that is that.
I’m not surprised by their response. And I am a little relieved that my sister will not have to go through all the drugs and doctor appointments just for me. It feels like the right decision for all of us. I know AG has expressed some of the same concerns as my sister about a baby coming from her egg and his sperm. I guess it feels weird to them. And that makes sense. It is not how I see it. But I have had to live with being egg-less for 20 years now so I guess I think differently than they do. Still, I respect their feelings about it.
For some reason though last night was a trigger for me. The flood gates opened up as I talked with them. I didn’t plan on crying. But I couldn’t stop it. I haven’t really cried about this in a long time. I think the last time I had a good cry was when I was 16 and mourning the loss of my genetic eggs. Then again I felt a little something when my nephew was born. But I thought I was over it. I had accepted and moved on.
But it all came back last night. I guess it is never really something you get over completely. I am lucky enough not to have experienced any major loss in my life. My family are all still alive and close. But I imagine what I feel now is something like what it must feel like to loose a loved one. Only this is a completely hypothetical person that never came to be. So why does it still feel like a big gaping hole in my heart twenty years later? Her saying no made it final. I will not have a genetically related child. All last hope of that is done. Now I feel like this loss is not something I will get over ever. It is just something I will learn to live with and will continue to live with for the rest of my life, and every once in a while it will surface again to haunt me.
It’s that little twinge of something I feel in my heart when I see my sister interacting with her son knowing I will never do that. When all my cousins and friends are planning and organizing activities for their children most of which I am not invited to because I don’t have a child to bring to the festivities. When I watch these children growing all around me, and when they will start to marry and have families of their own. When DH and I grow old and have no one to look after us or ask about how we are doing. That feeling of happysadafraid. I take those feelings and box them up and lock them away somewhere inside my mind. I tell myself it is fine and I am making the best of what I have. I am not ungrateful for what I have. I have a great husband. I love my work. I have the funds to be able to travel, shop for ridiculously overpriced purses, and generally enjoy my life. But I guess every once in a while that little box in my head opens up and I have to deal with this dark cloud hanging over my head once again.
I barely slept last night. The dark cloud hanging over me. I couldn’t shut my brain off. I will need to find a way to box it up again. But for now I am on the verge of tears every five minutes. No idea why. Maybe it is just that everything is just happening so fast now. Making a final decision the DE route we are taking. Starting IVF for real this time. I am afraid of what 2017 is going to bring for us. And I am afraid of the potential losses that I am going to have to suffer. I know I shouldn’t dwell on things that haven’t happened yet. But I cant help it. It is my way of protecting myself from being hurt later. Just feel hurt now and maybe it wont hurt so bad later, and best case scenario I will be pleasantly surprised.
So we move to plan B which is finding an unrelated egg donor. I have already started looking up various agencies and starting to plan for that. Hopefully it will not be too difficult to make the switch from a related ED to an unrelated one. I am hoping to have a known donor, so that we can at least be sure of the genetic background and any other potential siblings that might be out there.
One thing my sister said last night that keeps echoing in my mind: “don’t feel like you are alone in all this”. The more I think about it though, the reality is that I am alone. I understand her sentiment. She wishes to support me as much as she can and wants me to be able to talk to her about it. And I will. I don’t plan on keeping what I am going though a secret. But what I feel, how I react. That really is all me, alone in my head. I can talk about it, but it is not something that can be shared. Because the reality is that whatever I am experiencing she cannot even begin to understand how it feels. I will continue to be happysadafraid for the rest of my life and I don’t think that will every change. I will just get better at living with it.