Why am I doing this?

I feel incredibly bipolar right now. One minute I am all in ready to kick some uterine lining butt. And then there’s days like today. 

My blood pressure was 146/99 today. 

Then at work I had an intense argument with a contractor over the phone on contract terms which made me feel my BP rise even more. I was too afraid to go check how high it got. But my heart was racing in my chest. 

I’m on day 14 of estrace. I have acne on my forehead that won’t quit. My vagina feels sore and itchy all the time. Not to mention my poor sore boobs. And for what? 

I will likely have a lining of 4-5mm on Tuesday. And be told I need to continue for another week and check back. 

More estrace. More high BP. More risks to my body for something that might never actually happen. 

I feel crazy for even trying. I mean why? I would probably find better chances of success and less side effects if I bought a lottery ticket every week. And it would be way cheaper. 

And then I play the ‘what if’ game. 

I’m scared of what I am doing to my body. What if all this estrace is causing a blood clot to form? 

What if I give myself a heart attack?

What if we do succeed with this mock cycle? We proceed to ED with my sister. Then she starts taking even more drugs. Risking her own body and her own fertility for the remote possibility that my uterus will cooperate for 9 months. It seems so risky and unfair to her.

I will talk to the doc on Tuesday about my concerns with respect to the BP. I just hope my body can handle a little bit more. I really don’t know if this is worth all the risks I’m taking. There are far too many ‘what ifs’ right now. 

Or maybe it’s just the hormones talking? Damn why won’t my brain just shut up. 


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