Flashback circa 1997

After reading this post (which offers a great overview of POF and what those of us diagnosed with it go through), I had a bit of a flash back to when I was 17, triggered by this sentence:

As a diagnosis of POF essentially precludes the possibility being able to conceive one’s own genetic child, women and couples coping with this diagnosis often face extreme grief not unlike the death of a spouse or close loved one

As I have mentioned, I have known that I would have trouble conceiving since my bone marrow transplant in 1992. This was further supported by the fact that I never had a period. But as humans we are creatures of hope. I always held on to this one little thought that maybe, just maybe my body would miraculously heal itself.

My parents never really spoke to me about this. I guess it was probably too difficult for my mom, and my dad is just not that sort of guy. He lacks any form of emotional sensitivity which leads to many arguments…but that is a whole other psychological turmoil. So they just swept the whole having babies thing under the rug. Got me some BCPs and called it a day.

Then one day I was walking by my mothers bedroom as she spoke on the phone with one of her friends. She told her that I would not be able to conceive a child of my own. I was in high school. Probably around 16 or 17. I don’t recall the exact day, but I do remember the emotions. I just froze. Mom was visibly upset by this fact. But she has a way of not showing her emotions, to anyone. This was a rare break in her otherwise un-phased exterior.

I do remember mourning. For about 5 or 10 minutes. I was upset. I cried. Thought about not being able to have a child of my own. And then I realized that modern medicine had helped me get a life that I would otherwise not have had. I had faith that modern medicine would assist me in this department as well. I had heard vaguely about test-tube babies, ivf etc., I believed that by the time I would be ready to have a child hopefully medicine would catch up to me. And if not, then I could always adopt. And with that I put it behind me.

Like my mother I put on that hard shell, and got on with it.


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