fe·cund/ˈfekənd/ Adjective: Producing or capable of producing an abundance of offspring or new growth; fertile.

I always thought I was different. I have known that having a baby would not come naturally to me. Up until a few years ago I didn’t even think it was possible for me to carry a child. So the whole IVF possibility is quite exciting. My entire life is a tribute the miracle of modern medicine and for these advanced I am thankful. It has never bothered me, this inability to conceive. I never really missed having a real period (I do get pill induced periods), cramps or the mood swings. It was awkward when my girlfriends spoke about their battles and all I could do was smile and nod. Luckily most of my friends know my history. I have always been pretty open about it, although it is rather hard to bring up in a conversation: “Oh and by the way, I have had a bone marrow transplant…”. But I guess what I never really was mentally prepared for is how I would feel when others around me started to do things I couldn’t do.

Being of south asian decent, my parents started to worry about my marriage prospects quite early. Who would marry a barron woman? Enter AG. My white knight, who decided that the ability to have children was not a deal breaker. And so we got married. As contagious as wedding season is, several other friends and family members also tied the knot in the span of a few years, before and after us.

I guess to the casual observer it would be obvious what would come next. Baby season. As prepared as I was not to have babies any time soon, or possibly ever, I dont think I ever mentally prepared for seeing those that got married after me start to have babies so soon. I mean getting pregnant before your first anniversary?! really?! I dont get people that have babies so fast. And I am not sure that these people know what they are getting themselves into either. I know I shouldn’t judge. To each his own. But there are some people who should not be procreating. And that person is my cousin and his wife (MTS and SS).

They are barely 25, celebrated their first anniversary yesterday and simultaneously announced her pregnancy. Once again, happy for them, its a wonderful time for a couple to produce the miracle of life. But the reality is, that they have no clue what is to come. For one, neither of them have health coverage. So the cost alone will possibly prevent her from even going for regular checkups, which scares me to no end, because, god forbid, the baby does not develop normally. What about the delivery? How will they manage that, and the expense of taking care of a newborn. Isn’t it something like $10,000.00 in the first year?! Secondly, they are only in their first trimester. (I think she only found out last week). I almost hesitated to congratulate them because I know how many things can go wrong between now and 9-ish months from now. I really hope they are one of those lucky fertiles who go through life never having any issues with conception and childbirth. But this whole subject is turning me in to such a pessimist. Ugh.

And then there is the other cousin (PS) who go married (to AR) a few months before me in 2009, she is also expecting some time towards the end of the summer I believe. Happy for her, in her case I think they have a solid couple of heads on their shoulders but still I started to feel the pangs of why cant that be me… I never thought I would be that person. I never thought I would be jealous of others in this way. But I definitely feel something and it isnt very nice.

Anyways, life goes on I suppose. The fecund that surround me shall build their families, while I may or may not go down that same road. I will have to start learning how to cope with these things as they come, I guess. I do wish I had been more prepared for this.

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